An Angel's Tears
by BanglerStill
Summary: For the first time since he was turned hundreds of years ago Angel and Demon weep for the one that mattered most.


No copyright infringement intended. I own NOTHING 

Everything belongs to the tormentor Joss Whedon; 

…Mutant Enemy and Co. ;)

Only for entertainment purposes

* * *

**An Angel's Tears**

_Paring: Buffy/Angel/us_

(Possible Sequel and prequel to follow)

* * *

**Summary**: For the first time since he was turned hundreds of years ago Angel and Demon weep for the one that mattered most.

**/

_Cover my eyes, cover my ears,_

_Tell me these words are a lie…_

**/

"A vampire in love with a slayer, it's rather poetic in a maudlin sort of way"

**/

The shift was almost insignificant for a minute the world suffused with the loss comes to a grinding halt …the passing of the true slayer.

**/

Forever that's the whole point.

Angel hit the bag hanging from the ceiling over and over again imagining it was a couple of demons he was punching.

The _demon_ inside of him was excited by the images running through his head. Usually Angelus chose to stay silent, for the most part but lately he'd been acting up more than usual.

Something was in the air. They could both feel it, an expectancy of violence and nothing made Angelus happier than the obscenity of torture and violence.

Of course per usual he chose that moment to chime in snorting with disbelief at his soul. Yeah we both know there is one thing that makes us both happier than a whore at the sight of cash, a certain golden slayer by the way of Sunnydale.

Buffy Mm…Angel grunted back pushing him back to his quiet state but his demon wasn't going anywhere…yet.

If it weren't for you we would be lapping between those beautiful strong wet thighs of the slayer but you just had to have a conscience didn't you? You and that filthy soul abandoned our gal.

She's not your girl Angelus she is mine!

Keep telling yourself that but she kissed me at the skating rink remember…she didn't even mind my demon visage. In fact I'd say she was turned on by it.

Angel couldn't disagree with that. That moment was forever burned into his memory. He would always remember when she had lifted on her toes and kissed him wearing his vampiric face, accepting his demon the most shameful part of himself.

(Oh stop being so overly dramatic, Angelus snapped at him)

He had thought she would turn away with disgust and he had feared to see that look on her face but she'd surprised him removing her glove that protected her fragile fingers from the cold of the skating rink and touched the wound on his face before kissing him just as gently.

**/

_"Don't be a baby I'm not going to hurt you, Angel"_

_He'd looked away quickly ashamed he couldn't keep his demon under control "It's not that I just don't want you to have to see me like this"_

_"Oh," she blinked at him in that wondrous innocent way she had about her before her fingers touched his cold skin softly warming him._

_"It's okay Angel…I didn't even notice"_

_**/_

(It could be worse you know, you could have died that same insipid boy you once were Liam was it? He sneered at the human Angel used to be a long time ago.)

Angel couldn't argue with that…..

(Think our lovely slayer would have loved him…) Probably not, but at least he was human!

(Humanity is overrated…look at them decimating each other, fighting over trivial shit every day…unbeknownst to them of the cosmic struggles happening beneath their very noses)

Yes well, that's why there is the Slayer to make sure that humanity is protected.

(So are you going to call her or what, you're supposed to call her today, remember!)

Yes, Angelus I remember no need to keep reminding me. As if he could forget…he lived for that phone call…his entire existence revolved around that phone call.

(Then why are you stalling)

I'm not stalling…why do you suddenly care about talking to Buffy?

(I don't…that's your thing remember?)

I don't believe you Angelus. You forget that we share the same memories and body. I know your thoughts as well as I know my own.

(Just call her….I have a bad feeling) Me too…something major is going down today.

(Tell me something I don't know Einstein I just said that!)

~**/

The dark haired Cordelia showed up at the door of the basement where the Champion was training.

He recalled how he would train with his Slayer. His Buffy…he should call her.

"Angel, there's a call for you…from Sunnydale. It's important…"

A sweaty Angel flashed Cordelia an absent minded smile, "Thanks Cordy, I'll be right there in a sec"

He could feel her gaze linger on his well-defined body but it didn't mean anything to him.

She may think he was hot but she would never want him…not the way Buffy wanted him. She never judged him; she was the first one to ever accept him, demon and all.

Angel also knew that despite his friends helping him to save the hopeless he would never be one of them.

They would always guard a part of themselves from him. Not that he blamed them….but,

Buffy had never done that. She was an open book to him she had let him into her heart and her life and willingly shared the light with him, selflessly.

Her expressive eyes told him everything she was feeling the way she carried her heart on her sleeve.

Angel had lain awake many a night since he first saw her as she was called outside Emery High here in Los Angeles worrying about her getting hurt.

**/

_"I saw you that day outside your school in LA sitting on the steps before you were the slayer I saw as you were called….and loved you."_

_"Why, you didn't even know me"_

_"Because I could see your heart you held it before you, for everyone to see and I worried that it would be torn or bruised. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own"_

_"That's beautiful, or taken literary incredibly gross" that was his slayer, always quick with the witty comeback._

_**/_

He knew rationally it was ridiculous she was a slayer, the _slayer_ she could take care of herself easily enough…but that didn't stop him from twisting this way and that way over her safety.

He recollected with exacting clarity watching her face down in the underground tunnels of Sunnydale after the Master had fed from her several years ago during the harvest. She had died then for a few minutes.

And he couldn't help her…he'd had to stand by as precious seconds ticked by unable to do anything.

His demon growled inside of him, apparently he didn't care for that memory.

You and me both Angelus you and me both…

~**/

"Angel" it was the witch from Sunnydale "it's Willow"

"Hey Willow I recognized your voice" of course his demon couldn't wait to whisper sick things in his ear while he continued on with the conversation.

Willow yum, that's one hot spicy package I'd like to….her next words, froze any other trailing thoughts, "Angel…"

He could almost smell the distress in her voice "Willow what's wrong…"

She started to sob and Angel was at a loss on what to do so he waited until she collected herself enough to continue "I'm sorry it's just that everything happened so fast and I just…"

He barely held on to his patience anxious for her to get on with it "It's B-Buffy, she's…she's"

"Yes, she's what…Willow" he finally snapped at her unable to bear the suspension, something had happened to Buffy.

"She's gone" another sobbed wracked her chest and throat as she tried to continue "Angel I'm so sorry…she would want you to know. She loved you"

The phone fell from his lifeless hand hanging, stretching by the cord. She's gone…she's gone…she's gone…

~**/

"Angel" Cordelia ran to him helping him to stand upright. She'd heard the one side of the conversation of course.

She shared a glance with Doyle and Wesley who had returned from some scavenger hunt for some demon outside LA.

Gunn and Fred were out on a date or something…

Angel looked down at her hand he frowned at her "what happened"

"I want to say you almost fainted but you're hundreds' of years old vampire so that's probably not it."

Angelus was nudging him persistently, that's not exactly true after that stint we did in the demon dimensions we're thousands of years old. Time moves very differently over there if you recall?

Haven't forgotten Angelus after all it was you pissing off our slayer that made her run her sword right through my midsection. Did I ever thank you for that by the way?

"Thank me for what?" Cordelia side eyed him at the fierce look he spared her way "are you about to turn all Arghh because I can stake you right here right now"

"I have to go, I can't be here…I can't" he stumbled away from her and everyone else he couldn't be here right now.

His beloved was dead.

She was my beloved too, Angelus reminded him.

Yes I know that Angelus can you may be shut up this once!

I can't believe she's gone but maybe she'll come back this time, she always comes back. Like the last time she died…

I don't think she's coming back this time Angelus.

You know for a soul you can be quite maudlin sometimes, how am I the positive one in this symbiotic relationship?

There is no symbiotic relationship Angelus you hijacked my body thanks to Darla.

Darla, she saved you from a useless mortal existence "Liam" and if she hadn't, you never would have met our girl.

My girl, she's my girl.

She's mine too and don't you forget it. You're not the only that loves her you know.

Love, Angel scoffed at his demon you know the meaning of the word; you can't even spell it.

Can too, L.O.V.E love!

Angel sighed he was tired of arguing with Angelus.

Angel knew the only thing his demon felt for their slayer was obsession dark dangerous feral obsessions. That's why he could never let him out ever he couldn't dare imagine what he had in store for her if Angel ever allowed him to come out again.

It wasn't that long ago you tried to destroy the world with her in it Angelus that hardly screams love!

I was at a different place in my feelings for her what can I say. Besides, she is the only thing in this world I would ever truly miss. And I do miss her, our golden girl.

I don't know how she does it…

Does what?

Get that perfect tan with no tan lines, she's perfect.

She is…Angel agreed. He couldn't bring himself to remember her in past tense.

**/

"Hello" the phone was still talking so Cordelia picked up the black instrument "Hi Willow how's good old Sunnydale? How's our little slayer?"

"Uh huh…uh huh…uh huh, oh that's too bad, my condolences. No Angel has decided to bail you know his and Buffy on again off again _thing_…okay well nice talking with you Willow. I'm sorry about Buffy she was pretty cool saving the world and stuff…okay bye"

"Okay" she turned around to face her friends "I have bad news and okay… I admit, it's all bad news. Which one do you wanna hear first?"

"The bad news…?" Doyle guessed at her while Wesley frowned in concern "did I hear right is the slayer, is she…"

"Yes that is the bad news"

"What bad news can someone share it with me please?"

"Okay, here's the lore Angel used to live in Sunnydale, he met Buffy as in the Slayer they fell in love"

"Oh Buffy, Angel's main squeeze…I've heard of her"

"Well she died which means that Angel is going to be a tragic mess for a long time to come"

Wesley removed his glasses before continuing in his upper class British accent "I just can't believe she's gone, the Slayer. It doesn't sound right"

"Well I guess our little Buffy is not invincible after all. But look on the bright side, maybe now Angel can move on after the proper mourning period of course and maybe he can let himself find love again instead of walking around here moping about like a…"

"Cordelia…" it was Doyle that alerted her that Angel right behind her holding a duffel bag "I'm going to Sunnydale I'm sure you guys can hold down the fort for a while"

"Uh Angel I realise this is a difficult time but do you think it wise to leave right now especially with the senior partners about to make their move"

Angel didn't miss a beat as he turned to leave "The senior partners can kiss my ass, Wesley"

"Mm" he cleared his throat well, "wait!" Cordelia burst out in alarm "you can't go out into the daylight, you'll burst into flames"

"Don't worry I have the ring of Amara, I'll be fine"

"The ring of Amara…?"

"It was a present from Buffy" Doyle and Cordelia shared a look, didn't he destroy that thing, apparently not.

**/

Every step of the way to Sunnydale bits and pieces of his life with Buffy accosted him in vivid flashes of memories.

_"Sometimes I wish we could be regular kids…"I'll never be a kid."_

_"Ok, regular kid and her cradle robbing creature of the night, boyfriend"_

**/

I really miss her twisted sense of humour she was the only one who ever accepted us both.

Even Darla hadn't been able to withstand a souled Angelus but Buffy seemed to understand in her own way, that somehow the demon and the soul went hand in hand.

She was the only one that ever truly loved me, the only one who gave me a chance despite my bloody awful past.

He now stood at the grave site, the tombstone read, _"Buffy Anne Summers, Beloved Daughter and Devoted Friend; She saved the World a lot."_

She saved the world a lot? Is that all, is that all they had to say after everything she sacrificed.

How about the fact that she was his beloved, would it kill them to remember that, at all?

It has a nice ring to it Angelus grumbled it would have been to be included in the Epitaph though.

She was the only one that got the soul and the demon to love her, that warrants a remembrance don't you think?

Angel wasn't listening he could feel her standing next to him curling her soft fingers with his rough ones.

For a very long moment he couldn't even bring himself to lift his dark head and stare into her beautiful green eyes.

He was afraid he was imagining things like he was creating a different world in his mind where she still existed and he couldn't bear that it wasn't true anymore.

"Buffy how are you here?" was he dreaming "if I was I blind I would see you" why did that sound so familiar.

"I can't believe you're gone, are you real is this a dream?" She chuckled lightly her blond wisps flying up to brush along his cheek. He could imagine how soft it was beneath his fingers as he caressed it "I don't know Angel you tell me…"

"The powers that be they said that if I let you go, you would live. You're not supposed to be dead, how could they take you away from me"

"The powers that be…."

She smelled so good, she always smelled so good. He scent was an aphrodisiac to Angel and demon alike. It drove them both insane.

"Buffy, I should tell you something, you're going to be really, really mad at me"

"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it now, I'm dead whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm in a better place, beautiful and peaceful and I don't have to worry anymore…"

"You don't mean that Buffy, don't you miss us your friends…me"

"Of course I miss you my Angel. But you know what I don't miss the constant worrying and the demonic nightmares yuck! I can't even remember the last time I slept more than an hour before I came to this place"

"What place, heaven…"

"Yeah, are you mad that I don't want to come back?" she peered at him from beneath her lashes, a tiny smile curving her lovely lips. It's like she knew, he couldn't be mad at her for being at peace.

Angel had understood even before her passing how little rest she got on this earth. Every time Buffy went to visit him before he'd left Sunnydale he made sure that she could sleep.

And he would watch over her.

"No I'm not you deserve peace and happiness that was denied you when you were alive" But how was he supposed to go on without her?

What was the point of being a champion when the one thing that meant everything to him was ripped from him?

"What about _him_?" he knew whom she meant "he still hate me even now?"

"He doesn't hate you Buffy" on the contrary Angelus' feelings had undergone a metamorphosis to speak in recent years,

"He doesn't love me either…"

"It's complicated, he's different…let me amend that, his view of you has undergone a drastic change since the last time you met"

"Really…" he wanted to tell her about his demon's obsession with her but he couldn't let the words out, what did it matter now?

"He mourns for you as much as I do" His simple answer was understood and Buffy realised how keenly his sorrow was and how much he felt; she wanted to comfort him and take away his sadness "Angel…I love you. More than anything in this world, I'm sorry that I left you but you'll be okay and one day we'll be together again. After your work here is done, you have to be strong you have to save them, you're their champion you must be here for them"

He scoffed "Champion…I'm no champion Buffy" she stood in front of him now so that he had no choice but to see her, to look at her, his beloved Buffy.

"Yes you are" she touched his face, he was so very beautiful, her Angel, "that's why you fight"

"It doesn't really make a difference," he reminded her all the while pulling her closer to him, wanting to feel her along his body, his body that ached constantly with need for her.

A need that could never be satisfied only prolonged and stretched but never fully burst into completion.

It was the cruelest feeling in the world and Angel knew of cruelty in its simplest and most complex terms. He was a master at it, his demon had reveled in evil and cruelty and yet no amount of pain he'd created could ever compare to the torture he endured every day every second. Of loving his beloved Buffy but never really having her, of knowing that he could never caress her skin and watch her burn for him, no, none of it compared to the emptiness he now felt of knowing he could never touch her once more and make her his own.

For now, she was truly gone, into the light. He would be selfish to want her back here with him, but Angel was a selfish man and so was the demon inside of him that clamoured to be let out to touch his beautiful slayer, his passion for existing.

"That's not why we fight Angel, maybe it doesn't make a difference and it's all for naught but someone has to do it and that's all that matters. They need a champion, you have to keep fighting"

"Before even though we weren't together anymore at least I knew you were alive and you were here and I could deal. It hurt everyday every minute but it was almost bearable."

"Angel…"

"Now you're really gone and it's unbearable. What am I supposed to do now you're the only thing in my entire existence that still made sense to me; what am I supposed to do Buffy?"

"If you're truly dead what's there to fight for, beloved?

Lowering his head he pressed his to hers and closed his eyes desperate to feel her light and warmth again.

"What do _you_ want to fight for?"

"I want to fight for you…"

"Then fight for me, Angel" if that's what will keep him going then Buffy was alright with it. She didn't want him to give up, it wasn't his time.

There was so much to live for and the slayer wanted her Angel to be the one to be alive for the both of them. If she couldn't be here on this earth with him, then he had to be the one "Live for me Angel"

Her palm cupped his jaw clenched tight with fear, his fingers lifted not of their own accord trailing along the ring, "Your Claddagh ring you still have it"

"Of course, the angels let me keep it, pretty cool accessorizing in heaven, huh"

"Yes" he lifted her hand and kissed her fingers and the ring so tenderly it brought tears to her eyes "Angel…" a whisper caressed his ears like the sweetest music ever written.

{When will you ever tell her that you marked her for life that you married her in human terms?}

Not now Angelus, just not now…

{At least see if she still bears our mark, it's the least you can do}

What the bloody different does it make now?

{Just do it, damn you!}

So, he brushed her hair lifted the golden locks behind her ear before softly running his fingers along the bite marks indented into the curve of her neck. It never failed to excite him.

"Angel…" even now his slightest touch sent a thrill down her spine, the best kind. Like no other could.

"You still my girl," his voice always dark and gruff was soft with breaking emotions and she felt her heart pierce at his grief.

"Always…Forever, that's the whole point, remember"

"Yes, I will remember you Buffy Anne Summers" how could he not, she was his girl, always…

"Will you stay awhile longer…?"

"Yes, as long as you need me to"

He looked at her sadly "How about forever, does that work for you"

A soft sigh blew across his face and lips and dark soulful eyes "Yes,"

And for the last time, she stretched on her tip toes and kissed her Angel and the demon. And after she was gone a terrible emptiness weighed him down and for the first time in centuries, for the first time since Angel was turned, for the very first time since he was born Angel bowed down on one knee and wept.

And inside of him the demon wailed in desperation for the slayer, his one true passion.

**/

_"I'm I a thing worth saving, am I a righteous man, the world wants me gone, Buffy"_

_"What about me? I love you so much, I tried to make you go away, I killed you and it didn't help" why was he so willing to give up! Couldn't he see that she needed him to be strong because as long as he was here, she could keep moving, she could greet everyday with strength and purpose._

_He was her reason. When all was said and done, he was her reason. She loved him more than she ever loved anyone or anything in this world._

_"Please, Buffy just this once let me be strong"_

_"Strong is fighting Angel. It's hard and it hurts and it's every day. And we have to do it we can do it together…"_

~**/

But they weren't doing it together anymore, he was all alone now.

But she was right, Buffy had always been strong because she had to be and he would honour her.

**/

And as the demon known as Angelus felt the last embrace of his slayer slip away from his grasp, he was renewed with a vengeful purpose to make the powers that be regret taking the slayer away from him…

Angel however, was determined more than ever to fight for her, the one girl that ever cried for him the one girl that ever loved him, Angel and demon alike and made him feel like he belonged. Yes, he would fight, not for the world, not for the powers that be … but for her.

After all…she was the only one that ever truly mattered.

She had saved him.

But….It would have been really nice if she had wished him good luck.

Buffy brushed away the tears falling down her golden face she couldn't help herself, "Good luck, Angel" her whisper was the last thing between them, flowing with the Autumn leaves…

Her tears fell in the exact same place as the angel's.

It was dawn now and the sun was barely making out through the horizon.

**/

And as he closed the door to his bedroom in LA he imagined her as she was at one time sleeping on his bed smiling up at him as if it was the most natural, most _normal_ thing in the world.

And then her eyes would close in sleep and he would touch her cheek with his thumb knowing come morning she would wake up, open her eyes and see him…that moment was pure perfection.

If he slept today he would see it again.

* * *

_Its day break and you are asleep,_

_I can hear you breathe now_

_Your breath is deep_  
_but before I go, I look at you one last time._

_I can hear a heartbeat, Is it yours or is it mine._

_I look at your lips; I know how soft they can be._

_Did they know what they wanted?_

_The times they kissed me_

_And your hands,_

_I held in mine, now they're reposing on the pillow_

_Will they ever miss me sometime?_

_I'll remember you,_

_You will be there in my heart_

_I'll remember you._

_Your eyes that always make me shiver_

_Now they are closed, they do sometimes twitch a little,_

_And your body, I could own for an hour_

_It sent me to heaven, with its heat and power_

_I'll remember you; you will be there in my heart_

_I'll remember you, but that's all that I can do…_

_I'll remember._

* * *

Music:

Tears of an Angel ~ RyanDan

I'll remember you ~ Sophie Zelmani


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